Reach Out and Touch Faith

Jesus applies lip gloss. Jesus headlines Glastonbury. Jesus forces a horde of demons into the cast of Coronation Street. Jesus turns water into brine. Jesus signs a three-year contract with L’Oreal. Jesus sashays down a Milan catwalk in high heels and leggings.

Jesus conducts an autopsy. Jesus is found unconscious in a Kensington hotel with two unnamed members of Little Mix. Jesus holds a press conference. Jesus runs for parliament. Jesus’ autobiography will be published in 2017 by Simon & Schuster.

Jesus cancels the apocalypse. Jesus buys a ukulele. Jesus walks through shopping centres with earphones on and a knife between his teeth. Jesus rides at Cheltenham. Jesus reads Le Monde. Jesus is caught in flagrante with all four members of Il Divo.

Jesus does card tricks. Jesus runs for mayor. Jesus is filmed snorting coke off the belly of an Anglican bishop. Jesus goes to Clarion West. Jesus is a narcissist. Jesus is working on the screenplay for Batman and Superman v Jesus.

Jesus has your money. Jesus killed your teacher. Jesus’ new salvation app will be available for two weeks on Google Play.